What a Family!
CBFNC Inaugural Third 30 Retreat
by Ed Beddingfield
Memorial Baptist Church, Buies Creek
“Up to 40 It’s All Rehearsal” – at least according to a birthday balloon for sale at the dollar store.
In September a group of CBFNC clergy and spouses gathered to celebrate and explore another milestone: what CFBNC executive coordinator Larry Hovis calls the “Third 30” of life, those years beginning at age 60.
We met at Caraway, from Monday afternoon to Tuesday lunch. The setting was familiar, even nostalgic, though the layout of the place has changed significantly in the years since most of us went to a Baptist meeting there. Several of the common rooms have been divided into smaller spaces, and outside there are fewer trees but more seating areas and a new building or two. But the food is still mighty fine, and the table fellowship as good as ever. And they seemed glad to host us.
There were 34 of us in the group. One was a minister I’ve known for more than 55 years. He was a seminary student and campus ministry intern at the college I attended. Another participant and I have been pastoral colleagues for 25 years, some of them as members together in a ministers’ support group. Another was a Navy chaplain I know from CBF Global.
And then there was someone I just met at the retreat. He is the associate pastor, now also filling in as interim pastor, at a church in the eastern part of the state. By the way, the previous pastor of that church, now retired, has moved with his wife to my town and has joined the church I serve. It’s a small world.
We had pastors, associate pastors, children’s ministers, youth ministers, music ministers, chaplains, counselors, missionaries, spiritual directors, college professors, denominational ministers, and free-lancers. About a third of the participants were women. There were retired folks, people still working, some semi-retired – an eclectic bunch.
And there were the spouses: people who’d had their own careers, or who might have felt out of place at a working-preachers’ gathering – at any rate, they didn’t attend many meetings with their minister spouses. During the closing evaluation some of them reported being happy – and surprised! – to feel so welcomed. They brought a new perspective and our discussions were richer for it.
Some of us were old friends. Some were people I’ve talked with on the phone but not face-to-face. Some were folks whose names I know but whom I had not met in person. Others I had never even heard of before, but I know them now – and also something about their stories.
The retreat was organized around three group conversations: The Journey Here, Significance Over 60, and The Road Ahead. Each conversation was facilitated by ministers from the planning team. There was discussion, in small groups and as a whole, as well as some more formal presentations. Most of all, we had plenty of time to hang out, chat, and share our experiences and feelings about where we are, how we got there, and where we’re going.
The content was mostly light and flexible: not too much coverage of the usual topics at a conference of retirement-age people, like when to finally pull the trigger and retire, financial planning, health care, and all that. Instead, we spent our time reflecting and wondering together.
A major interest was finding meaning and purpose in our new circumstances. Some folks were hungry for things to do, others to chill and do nothing – or at least to slow down. We talked about ways to do what works best for us, and to feel okay about it.
We explored moving from “role to soul” – finding a new identity grounded in who we are, and not just the job we fill. We clergy types sometimes preach that being matters more than doing. Life in the Third 30 is an opportunity to sharpen that focus.
In his Tuesday morning devotion David Elks referred us to a book, Four Things that Matter Most, by physician Ira Byock: learning to say “Please forgive me, I forgive you, Thank you, and I love you.” Retired or still working, that’s good advice to lean into during this season of taking stock.
In the closing evaluation several impressions rose to the top – as one participant put it, “things we craved but didn’t know we craved.” One was relationships, community and connections. “Family reunion,” several folks said. One spouse exclaimed, “What a family!” She was right.
Others talked about the energy and engagement: “People bloomed as they talked.” Of course! Clergy people like to talk. But Larry Hovis identified another factor: safety. Some of us have been in ministry gatherings where we watch what we say and keep one eye over our shoulder. But CBFNC – not just the people, but the organization – cultivates intentional care for one another. It feels like home, and to those of us on the Third 30 retreat, it was.
